Donate
The entire Heaven™ package can be yours for the small charitable* donation of $39.95 plus shipping and handling and quarterly maintenance fees. The package includes lifelong membership to Heaven™ Resort and Casino, free continental breakfast, and 5 Heaven Bucks that can be spent at the Heaven™ giftshop/bar. Order now and recieve a free E-Nointing by Technomancer Ted and the Golden House of the Trinune Sex Goddesses. Patented Chi-sensing nanoparticles attach to scientifically tested energy centers or Chi-Spots™ and work together with your body's natural chemistry to burn sin while you sleep. Price includes the right to look down on all your family and friends for not being Saved™. Buy the Esoteric Circle Home Conversion Kit and convert your neighbors and loved ones. Condemn your coworkers to eternal hellfire. Bribe a psychopomp, stab an employer, fight with animals, burn down government buildings, become a drug addict, hold your printer for ransom, give your friends a mandatory sex change. All is known and approved of by our all powerful Macro-Deity. Order with credit card and get a bonus Blasphemy and Unforgivable Sin Bible Playset.**

We aren't like those other cults, we have a staff of expertly trained voodoo scientists, underwater squid monsters, transdimensional macrobes thirsting for human blood, alien space Gods, and swarms of insane homeless prophets who understand your needs in the digital age where humans are more and more obsolete every day. Don't think you'll get raptured? Upcoming global biowars getting you down? Zombies freaking out your whole family? Don't trust any of those other Gods! Our God is a God of drugs, music, and intergalactic sex parties! Be rewarded for doing whats wrong. Get paid to smoke weed and piss off your parents. Positions open in all departments, no religious experience required!

Stop wasting your life on those other lame Gods who don't listen to your prayers anyway. Fuck, kill, mock, and eat all the men, women, children, and animals you wish without the consequences or penance required by some of those OTHER deities.

Friends already in hell? We will work with your ex-deity to determine the best Soul re-financing methods to fit everyone's needs. Options starting at just $322 per month with a fixed APR of 6.6%.

You may already be dead! Protect your soul today, make a monetary sacrifice. If you really love God we ask that you make a minimum deposit of $5 which shall be refunded to you at time of death***.

* Not a real charity, but God will love you more.

** Not legal in most states.

*** FNORD.

home | directions | schedule | specials | donations